Red Roses Ever-Born

They told me
and smell the roses.

I did one day.
there were maggots
crawling on the leaves.

I’m always on the run.
now you know why.
The gears have to
If one breaks,
then they all burn.

There were people in this field.
One day, when I was six,
they all disappeared.

All around me are roses,
maggots falling from their thorns.
I run in this field forever,
red roses ever-born.


Let’s Start from the Ending

There are writers out there – you know, the crazy ones – who begin the events of their novel from the END. The Ending Scene.

The Horror.

I used to think that, until yesterday. I used to think those writers were crazy and how in the absolute hell can you start your novel from the end?

But, you know, I like a bit of crazy.

I’ve been working on my new work in progress – Hard Silk – since last week. I have a good foundation, I have the characters and setting and a general idea of the plot laid out.

But I didn’t have a set middle or end. They were vague ideas floating around in my head. I thought I knew what they were, but I didn’t. Because I hadn’t written them down.

Every novel I’ve abandoned over the past eight years – looking back – never had a set middle or end. So they would meander near the middle – the saggy part – until I realized I had no idea where in the hell this story was going, and I would drop it.


So yesterday during lunch, I did it. I made a list of around 4 possible endings: A HEA (happily-ever-after) ending. A Character-Focused ending. And two tragic endings, one worse than the other.

Hard Silk is a romance set in a fantasy world with a fantasy plot. I read over my 4 different endings and chose the one that would be the strongest. I had a bit of trouble deciding between the HEA ending and the Character-Focused ending. But I realized I didn’t want to insult the Character’s story by focusing the ending on just the romance. I wanted to show my character achieving something great! So I chose the Character-focused ending.

And then, the Magic happened. I began listing the events that would lead to that ending. I worked backwards. And it worked. The events quickly floated out of my pen until I reached the middle. Then I wrote the middle. Now, I just have to fill in the middle to the beginning. What used to take me hours to plan my novel took me 5 MINUTES.

Whoa. Mind blown. Maybe those writers weren’t so crazy, after all.

If you haven’t tried this, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Magic, I’m telling you. Magic.

I Stopped Writing! Just Kidding. – Prompt: Rivulet

I haven’t written a blog post the past two days. I didn’t work on my novel yesterday (aside from doing some planning on it during lunch).

That’s okay, though. I’m not going to hold my lack of writing these past days against myself. I’m just going to pick up where I left off.

So what did I do instead of writing these past two days?

The first day, I went and had dinner with my family, then I spent time with  my son and put him to bed. Then I read some articles about leadership (because I am a manager at my day-job). Then I watched one of ‘The Good Witch’ movies on YouTube – one I’ve already seen.

The next day, I began reading the book You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero – awesome book so far, by the way. She has a raw, gritty writing style, but she gets her point across. Being a cynic, there were quite a few things that stuck out to me, particularly “Love Yourself – unless you have a better idea.” That one line struck a chord with me. There is no better idea, is there? So why do them? Why hate ourselves or beat ourselves up? This was a rivulet of wisdom that I definitely felt I needed to hear yesterday, and remember for the rest of my life.

Funny story about this day. I was snuggling with my son and fell asleep on the coach – sitting up – for 3-4 minutes (I didn’t remember this, by the way. I thought I’d merely blinked and opened my eyes again.) My husband had a conversation with me while I was asleep. He told me he was going to go and get some chicken nuggets, but first he would have to find a Chicken, kill it, and make the Chicken nuggets. I told him, “But that’s wrong. You shouldn’t do that.” So, apparently I’m bossy, even in my sleep. Then I fell asleep around 8 PM in the bed with the book still in my hand. My lovely husband saved my page and tucked me in.

And guess what? I didn’t play video games. However, these activities were still a ploy to meet my needs. Going to dinner and spending time with my son: Love/Acceptance. Reading the leadership articles/Reading You Are a Baddess: These raised my Esteem need. Falling asleep at 8 PM: Physiological.

But you know what? Most of these actually met those needs. I watched ‘The Good Witch’ purely for the enjoyment of it, not to fill a need. Everything else met my needs, unlike the illusory esteem-raising video games or Facebook.

So, again, I’m not going to hold it against myself. It’s the weekend, so I have plenty of time to make up for what I missed.

If you, dear readers, miss a day of writing – that’s okay. Just pick up where you left off. Don’t beat yourself up. Resist filling the rest of your days with activities which don’t truly meet your needs, but instead purely waste time because you don’t ultimately get anything out of them.

Write on!

(This was a response to the prompt Rivulet)

If I Keep This Up – Prompt: Elaborate

My current novel project was created five days ago. In five days, I have written 10,862 words — 2,172 words per day on average.

If I continue at this pace, I will have written enough words to at least qualify my work as novel-length in less than 30 day. For a novel of substance, it would take around 40 days.

Remember, I haven’t finished a novel once in the 8 years I’ve been writing. One thing I’ve learned the hard way: many words written does not a novel make. You can elaborate and dribble on about any random object or topic in your novel – it won’t get you anywhere.

To get anywhere – to finish something from beginning to end – requires focus.

“How the hell do you know? You’ve never finished a novel.”

Nope, I haven’t. But every writer I’ve known and heard of who has finished a novel always makes it sound so simple: have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Guess what? I do not have a defined middle or end. I have vague ideas swirling around in my head about what the middle and end could be. Have I written them down yet? No.

So why don’t I clearly define a middle and end?

When I write, it’s organic. Ideas grow. Characters change. They have hidden motivations that even I am not privy to until I write the words. They have realizations that I may not have foreseen about certain events which dramatically change the path of a story, regardless of whatever outline I may have established for it. Their realizations are logical and make sense considering what they experienced in the past, their personality, and even random things they’ve noticed along the way. To stick to the outline would be inauthentic. My characters would grow stale. They would do things which wouldn’t make sense within the context of the story they are laying out for me.

I am what is known as a ‘Pantster.’ I love it.

But it’s not enough. Regardless of how much ‘creativity’ I may have, I just can’t seem to complete the novels I start and which I pour so much work into.

But maybe this is a start. In my post Cardinal Sins of Writing, I explain that Sleep Exhaustion is one of my Cardinal Sins. One reason I’m sleep exhausted is because I’ve written so many words in five days while holding down a full-time job.

So, I’m going to try this. In my notes, I am going to write only one sentence for my middle and one sentence for my end. These two sentences are not allowed to change, no matter what happens with my characters. But because I won’t elaborate on them, I will run less risk of boxing my middle and end into a box of point-specific events led by (unknown) character motivations (unfortunately, my characters tell me what their motivations are – not the other way around. I’m a little crazy in the head that way.) I will need to find a way to make it work.

Please, if you have any advice for me, let me know. I welcome it with open arms.

Tonight, I will commit to writing at least a paragraph on my novel tonight so I can sleep early. Knowing me, though, this will descend into at least 1,000 words, because when I write, I become obsessed with it. I need to learn some sense of balance. After all, they say, it is the turtle that wins the race (in most cases).

Goodnight. Sleep tight, readers.


via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

Cardinal Sins of Writing – Prompt: Bestow

If you’ve taken a glance at my ‘About Me’ page, it is literally just a short summary of the Cardinal Sins of Writing: Distraction. Procrastination. Lack of Focus. Sleep Exhaustion.  I have several – around seven – unfinished novels spanning from as little as 15,000 words to 65,000 words. I’ve written and attempted to finish novels for around 8 years.

8 years. Let that sink in. That’s a lot of time to not get anything done. Some have it much worse than me. Some take 10 years. Or 20. Or 30.

Maybe never.

The dream to write a novel burns strong in many people. Some people give up. Some believe they are not good enough. Others get frustrated with the process and quit entirely. Some continually make excuses until the day of their death. Morbid? Yes. True? Yes.

“It’s always been my dream to finish a novel.” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said this to the people in my life.

So let me reframe this – for you and for myself – since I literally just had this revelation 15 seconds ago by writing this post: STOP thinking of ‘finishing a novel’ as a Dream.

“But Dreams are nice things to have!”

Sure. They’re nice to have. They make us feel warm and fuzzy inside. They make us feel important when we share them with other people and they are acknowledged. At times, they make us feel motived and inspired. Other times, they depress us because we know we are making excuses. We know that we could do better, but for multiple reasons, we choose not to.

I’m going to bestow this wisdom upon you that just slithered randomly into my brain.

Dreams are optional. 

There, I said it.

Many of the things I do on a daily basis are not optional, because in order to ensure my survival and the survival of my family, I must do them.


I must have a job to put food on the table. I must have a car so I can drive to work. I must take care of my son because I love him so much that if I don’t, I would lose him – and if not, scar him for the rest of his life (I would also never, ever forgive myself). He gives me happiness in watching him learn and grow. You could argue that, at a primal level, I would harm the survival of my family line by not caring for him. I must take care of my husband because I love him and he provides me companionship – a human need. I take care of my cats for the same reason. When I choose to play video games, I feel I ‘must’ – because at a subconscious level, it gives the illusion of fulfilling a human need: Esteem.

Being a cynic, I’ve based my life on ensuring my survival – even against attacks from my own mind during my lowest points.

Finishing a novel would achieve two of my needs: Esteem and Self-actualization. So the question is: What is currently fulfilling (or giving the illusion of fulfilling) these two needs?

In one of my earlier posts, I referenced that when I have a ‘good’ day in relation to my other life activities – work and family – I actually find it much harder to write. Sometimes I don’t do it at all. I have achieved ALL of my needs at work and with family. This is where ‘Distraction’ plagues me. I get distracted by all the ‘oh-so-great’ things in life that I end up seeing writing as an option. If I don’t get enough sleep – Physiological – I become exhausted and skip a day, which turns into two, and snowballs from there: ‘Sleep Exhaustion’. If ‘Esteem’ has not been met that day, ‘Procrastination’ plagues me, so I choose to do one of two things: Clean or play video games (ACHIEVEMENT. Esteem. Instant Gratification.) If all needs have been met except Self-actualization, I find myself plagued with ‘Lack of Focus’. I am unable to unleash my creativity. I have writer’s block. I can’t figure out how to sort an out-of-control plot.

Extreme revelation about myself which may apply to many of you Dreamers out there: Writing only fulfills a need if my needs are not being met elsewhere.

So, essentially, I am having an affair with Writing. Oh, the scandal!

So how do I fix this? How do I begin to see ‘finishing a novel’ as a necessity instead of an option? I could make radical changes in my life: quit my day-job. Quit playing video games. Leave my family and run away to a remote cottage where no one will find me.

But I can’t do that because two of these things are NOT optional. As long as I am sane, I could never see them as optional. Since video games only give the illusion of esteem, yes, that is an option. My brain also may be slightly addicted to this option, which means that the habit of reaching for one may be hard to break. The thing is, I don’t always feel like playing video games, which means my ‘esteem’ need is met elsewhere that day, either at work or with family. I can not avoid this, and I wouldn’t wish to avoid it.

But how do I fix this MESS? How do I change my thinking to ‘Writing is not a dream, it is a necessity.’

  1. Love my main characters. True, unconditional love, even if they are rotten to their core (just like my 2 year old during half of his waking hours).
  2. The same sense of obligation I have toward convincing my son to do anything – eating, sleeping, using the potty, changing his pull-ups – focus that same sense of obligation on my writing during the set time I am doing it. After all, it is WORK and it can be FRUSTRATING. But it is worth it, because it can fulfill some of my NEEDS (same point applies to my day-job).
  3. Drop the video games during my allotted time to write. Video games are like Facebook: both give an illusion of fulfilling a need (Video games: Esteem. Facebook: Love/Acceptance). My brain views video games as an addiction, because it fulfills a need only through illusion. Writing and finishing a novel would truly fulfill that need, and other people can benefit from gaining insight and enjoyment from my created work. I can also make some money from it. I can play video games – as long as I recognize when I’m unwisely using it to fulfill a need instead of for simple enjoyment and a way to kill time after my obligations have been met.
  4. Meditate. Maybe imagine myself ‘feeding’ my word processor with food or putting pull-ups on my computer. As insane as it sounds, I might actually try this. The strong feelings of obligation I have toward my son may subconsciously translate itself into action if I envision these ridiculous – but memorable – images.

Four simple steps: Love. Obligation. Realization. Meditation.

This is a plan. It’s a start to admit and solve the problem after 8 long years of a seemingly endless cycle of sinful writing.

I will leave you with this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke: “Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write.”

via Daily Prompt: Bestow

Do or Do Not – There is No Try

What a vague and factually incorrect piece of advice. A man, an ardent fan of Star Wars, once told me this in an effort to motivate me to accomplish a work project many years ago.

There was only one problem. The aim – the vision of the project itself – was wrong. It was wrong for the objectives of the company. It was only then that I realized I had indeed ‘tried’ to accomplish the project. It was halfway through when I realized that the project was a mistake. This man pushed me, sure – but in the wrong direction. He was pushing me for the sake of pushing me; possibly to have a claim that he could motivate his employee.

Eventually he gave up. After all, he had tried to motivate me, hadn’t he?

The problem with this phrase, classically lauded as a wise piece of advice imparted by the revered Yoda, are the following:

  1. There is indeed a ‘try’. It exists. It is in the dictionary. If you attempt to argue this point, you are merely an ignoramus.
  2. There are indeed circumstances in life where you pursue a path – you ‘try’ it – only to find that it isn’t the right path for you.
  3. There are circumstances where people – perhaps a governing board or approval committee – literally will not let you enter whatever their special program is, perhaps because a choice from your past disqualified you. And guess what? You can’t change the past. You indeed ‘tried’. You worked your ass off. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen. And you know what? Maybe it really isn’t worth it. Maybe something else matters more to you, or will work out better in your favor.
  4. You apply for a job. You are scheduled an interview. They pick another candidate. Ok, you ‘tried’. At least in this case, you “Do” or “Do Not” get the position – but guess what? You’re not the one who decides that, are you? You spent days preparing for that interview. You studied interview questions. You brushed up your resume. You had several reliable references. Damnit, you ‘tried’. It just didn’t work out. Guess what – on to the next job application. You try again. On to the next. Rinse, recycle, repeat, until you finally land a job.
  5. You can not “Do” or “Do not” when it comes to influencing people’s choices. People choose to be influenced and make their own choices. You can only ‘Try’ to influence them. Either it works or it doesn’t.
  6. You can try to become an actual cat instead of a human being. Guess what? There is absolutely no way that is going to happen. If you think you can ‘Do’ that, fine. Go ahead, do it. Record it. Post it on the internet for likes. Wait for the government to contact you so they can covertly steal your piece of machinery that made it possible. But I’m going to guess that there is a firm “Do Not” in becoming that cat. Don’t worry, I’m saying that for the sake of your sanity. “There is only Do or Do Not.” No, Yoda. In this case, the person may have legitimately tried to become a cat. But guess what? In trying, they gained wisdom; the wisdom that they would never be able to become a cat. They didn’t gain wisdom in the “Do Not” part of becoming a cat. I imagine the “Do Not” is the default option for most human beings.

But you know what?

It’s okay. You’ll be fine.

You know why? Because you try. “Do” or “Do Not” ignores and disregards the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of ‘Trying’.

And I guarantee you – from all that trying – you learned something, didn’t you? You learned that maybe something wasn’t your life path. You learned that the direction was wrong. You learned a skill. You learned how to get back up again and try something new or try it in a different way. It is in the process of ‘trying’ that we gain true wisdom. Endlessly choosing to “Do” or “Not Do” things, while ignoring the try, keeps our minds and bodies busy, sure. But it does not give us the vision or purpose necessary to truly achieve our objectives.

‘Trying’, if done with sufficient amount of effort, denotes a commitment to hard work, purpose, goals, and vision. The most successful people didn’t wake up one day suddenly having “done” or “not done” something. They ‘tried’ first. They had a long series of strategically placed ‘Do’s’ and ‘Do Nots’, which meant that they were trying.

But guess what? Shit happens. Unfortunate and maddening shit. And sometimes things just don’t work out, no matter how many things you choose to ‘Do’. Often, these are things that are completely out of our control. But there are many things that are in our control. Those are the things we choose to Do or Not Do. It is the series of ‘do’s’ or ‘do nots’ that denote our level of ‘Trying’. To ‘Try’ doesn’t mean you will succeed. It also doesn’t mean you will fail, either. Less can be said of ‘Doing’ something. I can’t wake up tomorrow, choose to “Do”, and be a doctor. I would be jailed for manslaughter. No, I would have to try first, take the necessary steps, and then become a doctor.

If you choose to “Do” only one action that would, in theory, contribute to your success, does that mean you even tried? Sure, maybe – if that’s your standard of ‘trying’.

To the successful, ‘Trying’ means resilience. It means ‘trying’ over, and over, and over, and over again until finally, they arrive at a satisfying destination. Success isn’t a “Do”. It is a “Try”.

It always has been.

Don’t ever be ashamed of your ‘Tries’ or let other people convince you to be ashamed. It means that you are learning. I guarantee you, if I chose the “Do” of being a doctor – or a cat – tomorrow, I would be deemed as much more foolish of a human being than if I had just ‘tried’ first.

via Daily Prompt: Vague

It’s a Great Day for Procrastination!

It has been a great day! Day job went great. I had conversations with great customers. One of them brought our team pizza for lunch. Our team took part in an escape room – a first for me. It was cool seeing how each of our strengths contributed to us solving the puzzles.

This is where the trouble starts. No need for catharsis novel-writing when I’ve had a great day, right?

So I’ve spent the past hour reading reddit threads of escape room employees detailing their wild experiences with participants (you can find this gem here), and watching escape room videos. Unfortunately, I didn’t find any as funny as I was hoping, or that lived up to the stories told by those escape room employees on reddit.

And now to get to the juicy writing bit. My latest story idea is about a troubled young-adult woman named Calia who sees the good in the world through a blossoming love/hate relationship. So, said troubled young-adult woman was born from the difficult emotions I experienced yesterday. Some days I think: I’m not a cynic. I just have bad days, like everyone else.

Yet, even on good days, I question the motives of people around me. I view my life as a set of gears that each have to keep turning, and if one fails, the rest fail. I still can’t stand arrogant, impatient, and rude pickup truck drivers on the road (yelled at one today in front of me that was riding a car’s a**. Both left and right lanes were open, so he could have passed. But no. He was just happy riding that car, and braking erratically in front of me. A**hole. Just another driving incident to add to the multitude of bad incidents I’ve witnessed on the road from the pickup truck ilk.)

Also, if you’re offended because you drive a pick-up truck and think my bias is unwarranted, I honestly could care less. Maybe the pickup truck arrogance is a southern thing. Like sweet tea arrogance (which, I’ll admit, I do have. I love sweet tea. Thankfully, my sweet tea is unlikely to cause accidents or kill innocent people. So, there’s that. Not comparable. Don’t try to claim it is – yes, I can already see the pickup truck lovers try to compare that one).

Okay, biased-filled rant is over.

Words from Calia, the troubled young-adult woman in my latest project:

I will give you a taste of peace before wrapping you up in my story. For all I know, it may be the only one you will get. I’m surrounded now by a field of red flowers blanketed by the night. It’s quiet and calm, aside from a couple of owls crowing in the wind. The grass cushions and protects me from the dirt. I trace each star, knowing they wait for me in their dark sky castle. I know what I will come back to, but it’s a fleeting thought. I could sleep forever in this field if I wasn’t afraid of waking up from the pain of animals feasting on me. That’s what I keep telling myself: I’m awake. Awake enough to feel pain. Awake enough to be afraid. How awake do I need to be to feel joy – to feel any sense of happiness?

Oh yeah, the writer’s mood swings are apparent in this one. Here’s to hoping that Calia gets her happy ending – as long as someone can finish the story.

This is when I open up my word doc and begin writing her story. Please, someone slap me with a wet fish. It’s the last thing I want to do on this great day, but I need to do it.


I’m going to lay this out for you plainly. I am a cynical writer (wanna-be author) who should be working on a novel right now rather than blathering on about some nonsense. However, this is what I’m doing instead. I wish I had some advice for all of you out there who are also procrastinating on writing, but alas, I do not.

This blog will be dedicated to my writing journey, whatever that may (or may not) be.

Instead, I’ll tell you about my half-finished projects. I have around six-ish unfinished novels, a few which will never see the light of day. A couple are maybe salvageable.

Why do I not finish projects? The unfortunate thing for me is that I use writing as a form of catharsis. Until I re-frame the purpose of why I write, I don’t think I’ll ever get anything finished.

I have another story idea. I always have another story idea. That’s the problem. Once the grind becomes harder than the actual reasons I’m using writing as catharsis for, I abandon it.

It’s gotten so bad I’ve stopped giving titles to my projects. Though, I’m trying to change that with my most recent story idea.

I have a full time job. I have a 2-year-old. I have a husband. I have two cats, and one best friend. I am typically pretty busy with my job, being a mom, working on my hobbies, etc. that I don’t have time for people. I make time for my son. I make time for my job. My husband would say I don’t make enough time for him. And then there is my writing. I try to fit my life into this cookie-cutter mold where I’m taking care of everyone and everything around me.

I have to make time for myself. But there’s only 24 hours in a day. I should be sleeping right now because I have to get up at 5:30.

My day job is okay. I don’t have much support. I care about the people there, but right now, things are a bit rocky. And I can’t get my act together in one area. By the aligning of the stars, I continue making mistakes and with the wrong people. I’m typically pretty resilient – I don’t know why, maybe it’s my penchant for survival and continual growth. Either way, I feel a little unstable right now in that area.

Random thoughts: Do any of us really have freedom? Why do people who drive trucks such a-holes on the road and then claim everyone around them are bad drivers? Does true compassion exist, or do people hope to get some strange satisfaction out of it? Also, most advertisements you hear are voiced by people just wanting to get paid – they don’t actually believe in the product. Why fall for it?

I’m going to work on my novel now. Enough blathering.